I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
