My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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