u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
