True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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