I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
