Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
