It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
