Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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