mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
