Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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