So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
