I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
