Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
