I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
