you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
is it fun? or sober?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
