i permit you to call me
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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