whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
