I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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