call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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