We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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