Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
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