Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
