Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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