I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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