Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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