I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize
