I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
