On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
