my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
