I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
