I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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