Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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