just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Quick, to the slutcave!
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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