the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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