I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
