currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
