I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
