while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
When are your genitals available?
did i just pee glitter
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
