the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i want to swaddle you in tequila
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
