Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize