I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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