He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
