you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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