I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
