Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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