Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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