can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
