i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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