No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
