the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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