Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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