we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
