found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
