dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
