id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
this just has baby written all over it
Walk of Shame today included voting.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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