Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
