awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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