hell yes lets make some ravioli
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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