evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
